While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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