can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
