If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
