My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
