well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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