He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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