Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize