Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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