I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
