if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
