Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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