There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
