Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The Olympian is in my bed
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
