Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
