plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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