I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
