Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
