Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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