Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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