I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
