i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
