There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
