I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
