If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
