I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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