Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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