I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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