4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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