Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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