Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
