Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
