i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
