Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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