I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
