I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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