3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
