i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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