End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
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