there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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