I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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