I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
