Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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