I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
