If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
