The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
