I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
That's intense
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
