thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
