the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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