The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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