My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
there was a trapeze. enough said
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
