That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize