This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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