I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
