I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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