last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You need a sexual gate keeper
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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