somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
