I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize