Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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