The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
