Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
