He disabled his match.com account in front of me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
