life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
