I hate all girls vehemently.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
