Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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