I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
