what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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